We can choose to be better instead of being bitter. Let me give you some thoughts that have helped me through our infertility journey.
In church I heard a sister say that when praying to the Lord we sometimes will say “okay, do what you can,” but He reply’s with “no, do what you can.” That means we need to do our part BEFORE we receive blessings from Him.
We’ve been doing our part by; fertility testing, participating in a clinical trial for Chase, 3 rounds of IUI’s, received blessings for healing and comfort, friends/family praying for us constantly (and praying ourselves), fasting, and reading our scriptures.
Yet, our Heavenly Father wants us to wait, not sure why, but He does. Maybe we need to grow a little more or be a little better rather than being more bitter?
There are countless stories sharing, “this person tried this and got pregnant” and “this couple started filing for adoption and got pregnant,” etc. It’s hard to believe all of them, mainly because I haven’t personally met someone who’s had that happen. Those that share those success stories are trying to offer hope, but it doesn’t.
Stories like that make me feel like I’m not doing my part.
I’m doing my part, but in a different way than what others would expect.
I’m not ready to quit or give up hope – that’s just not who I am.
We keep fighting the long battle that has been placed before us.
In the past, I’ve been very negative about our fertility journey. There was a period of 4 years where I was bitter and angry at God for giving us this trial.
I wanted to be a parent. I wanted that joy of seeing a double line on a pregnancy stick. Because of not receiving that joy, I was bitter at everyone who got that joy while I had to wait, and I blamed God.
Upon realizing that Chase and I were growing apart and I wasn’t happy and I needed to do something about it.
I learned that I needed to be happy, like NEEDED to be happy or else Satan would have an eternal hold on me.
I learned that I HAD to forgive myself, and before I forgave myself I HAD to forgive God.
There was a turning point where forgiveness happened:
In church one Sunday one of the other advisers to the young women in our ward was teaching on Christ’s atonement. She had us read in The Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11-13.
In that lesson I learned that Christ took away our pains, and he knew exactly how I was feeling. At that point I knew I wasn’t alone. Through Him, all of my pains would be taken away, and I could rely on Him for help, and comfort.
After that experience my whole outlook on infertility changed.
For a miracle to happen it’s all up to God. It’s all in His timing. I now have more faith, and through faith I have hope once again that I haven’t had for a long, long time.
Having faith in God is how I get my hope. He is the eternal creator. I have to put my trust in Him 1000% in order for things to change.
The pain of hurtful comments, pregnancy announcements, invitations to baby showers and a broken heart, are all SO real. I’ve felt them all, and never experienced pain like that until going through this battle called infertility.
Through this experience I’ve learned I am doing my part and with that I can be less bitter and more better through Christ.
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