how to become less bitter and more better
Infertility Marriage

How to become less bitter and more better

It took a few years for me to become less bitter and more better. A few years ago I was bitter at a lot of things. I was bitter at friends who had gotten married the same year as us who now had at least 2-3 kids. Bitter at friends posting pregnancy. baby, or family photos. And I was bitter at God.

All growing up and until I was about 25, I assumed that only “bad” or hard things happened to people making poor choices. Apparently I had either never experienced hard things or had anything horrible happen to me. Having divorced parents had been an ongoing trial for me, and I didn’t see it has a hard thing. It’s interesting why I didn’t see that even good people go through hard things.

So when Chase and I struggled with infertility, it really tested my trust in God. While journaling I remember writing, “why would God let this happen to us?”

I had a turning point. But before that, I didn’t want to go to church, I didn’t read my scriptures and my prayers weren’t as sincere as they should’ve been. I was going through the motions, but not really in it 100%. Our marriage was also struggling, and for a period of time I was in therapy. I was in a very dark place and it’s interesting how bitterness can consume you.

Obviously, I was able to get through it.

How do you overcome being less bitter?

To start, I want to remind you that I can’t force you to become less bitter. You have to want to do that on your own.

You have agency to choose if you want to be bitter or not. Here’s what worked for me.

The atonement of Christ can help heal our hearts. We can give the bitterness to God, and ask to take away the pain of our broken hearts. I realized that I couldn’t deal with infertility on my own, and I gave it to God. Sure, I still had sad days, and I knew who I needed to help heal my heart.

Realizing that I was comparing my journey to other fertile couples, and it was robbing me of the joy that I could’ve been experiencing. I couldn’t let other people’s choices (remember agency), take hold of me.

I got to choose if I wanted to see all those baby announcements and pregnancy updates.

What I did was starting to unfollow those people. You are still friends with them, and they have no idea they aren’t showing up in your feed. That makes protecting your heart a little easier. Or you can choose to get rid of social media all together. No one needs to be on social media, but we all choose to be on for different reasons.

comparison is the thief of joy by theodore roosevelt quote

Soap box moment

I feel social media has utterly destroyed us as a society. We compare every aspect of our lives to other peoples highlight reels, and it’s not healthy.

Instead of being happy for that friend going on a trip of a lifetime, we are jealous and resentful. Did you ever think that trip cost them their retirement? Or that it rained the entire time aside from two hours? Or they fought with their spouse the entire trip?

It just goes to show that not every life is perfect.

Thoughts

Couples therapy really helped Chase and I, and our marriage. Talking to a therapist can get you on the path towards healing. They have a lot of tools to help with the pain you’re experiencing. However it might take some time for you to find the right person that vibes with you.

This can help start you towards the path of healing. And yes, I still see women who complain about their pregnancy and their kids. It doesn’t hurt as much as it did when I was bitter and resentful.

I hope and pray you can find peace and comfort in your season of waiting, and not be bitter like I was for so long.


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P.P.S. Read this if you feel alone during infertility.
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