I have been feeling quite guilty lately. I think it’s called Survivors Guilt. Survivors Guilt is where you feel you’ve done something wrong because you survived, or in this case, got pregnant.
Ever since we found out I was pregnant I have felt guilty:
- My heart aches for my infertility sisters still struggling and waiting
- Because I became pregnant before my infertility sisters who have been struggling for just as long or longer
- Guilty for trying to feel happy amidst all the darkness of everyone’s infertility struggles
After 7 years I understand that achy feeling you get in your heart.
The wanting so badly to be happy for others, but sad for yourself.
That achy hole that no matter what you do to try and fill it, it never fills.
Every time I go somewhere where there are a lot of women my heart aches.
Wherever I go someone in that room or store is going through infertility, and I am most likely a trigger for them. I want to tell them what it took for us to get to this point and that they aren’t alone, and to never give up.
Any time I’m out I tell people that after 7 years of trying, we finally got our miracle baby.
Chase and I both SO very grateful for this miracle. It’s been a long hard road with its many ups and downs and we are forever grateful.
When we first found out, we chose to not share the news, and I felt like I was hiding this dirty secret.
The first 20 weeks felt like I was in limbo. Not being able to currently relate to my infertility sisters but also not relating to anyone pregnant. There was a mental battle going on for months, where I was struggling with feeling happy for myself but sad for everyone still dealing with infertility.
Even at 36 weeks pregnant, I still feel guilty at times. Not as much as I did when I first found out, but the feelings can linger.
Chase told me my feelings are called “survivors guilt.” Surviving through the trenches of infertility, but feel guilty now for surviving and getting pregnant.
After much thought, and prayer I’m pretty sure I know where those guilty feelings are coming from, Satan.
God wouldn’t put a feeling of guiltiness in my heart, instead He would give me feeling of gratitude.
Things to help if you are feeling Survivors Guilt:
- Expressing and writing down thoughts of gratitude daily
- Focusing on your baby and express to them how grateful you are
- Writing in a journal your feelings
- Praying for your infertility sisters
So the million dollar question… Why me? But not her?
While I am still struggling with those feelings of guilt, I have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. We all go through different trials for a reason.
For now, I don’t know the reason why, but I will keep praying and encouraging those still struggling and who feel they are alone.
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P.P.S. Read the 10 things we were doing when we got pregnant.
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