what does it mean to go through infertility and self preservation? I’ll explain that in this post, if you’ve been feeling the same.
I asked this question to a Facebook Infertility Group:
“For the past few years, I don’t have that burning desire to become a mom. Like it’s nowhere to be found in my heart or in my body. Is this normal to have happen? For the desire to become a parent leaving? I’m not sure if it has just come as I’ve gotten older (I will be 30 in January), and I feel like all hope is lost or maybe I’m just content with how our lives are now? I have tried doing google searches to see if other women feel the same way, but I can’t find any content at all. What are your thoughts.”
I got amazing responses:
“…It’s pretty normal to not have the desire….sometimes this journey beats it out of us and it’s almost self preservation.”
“…Whatever anyone feels is valid and normal. There are so many who do not feel content with the way their lives are (children or no children), so I commend you for this!”
“I think it is important to keep in mind that one of the things that makes infertility so difficult is that it is always a fresh wound…A scab may start to form when we start a new treatment or think THIS month will work but when the cycle ends, it rips wide open again. It would seem only natural that the strain on one emotionally and physically would eventual cause your brain to say I don’t want this anymore.”
“Sometimes feeling like “not wanting it too much” is a form of self protection. It keeps us guarded and protects us from pain. However when you run towards your fears, instead of running away that’s when you get to live your best life. When you feel disconnected from something (and bring awareness to it) that is the beginning of connection. When you go towards what you don’t understand, this is when we grow.”
The ultimate question is why do we need to protect ourselves?
Each month we go through the grief cycle.
Grieve the fact that we’re not pregnant because our cycle started.
Get hopeful that this is the month.
Then we see signs of possible pregnancy or is it signs my period is coming?
Then our period comes and we grieve again.
The cycle continues to repeat month after month.
So it is possible that we just don’t want our hearts to get broken again. So we put up this wall, a thick wall, that protects our heart because we just can’t bare seeing another negative pregnancy test. And we start to disconnect. Start to distance ourselves as a protection against the hurt.
I answered my own question: My feelings on becoming a parent have changed. With years of infertility and self preservation, and focusing my attention on exercise and running, I feel a call to focus more on treatments and having success.