Would you believe me if I said i’m still experiencing grief after 5 years? To those who have had a child die, they problaby would be nodding their heads because of course we still experience grief. As long as we’re living we’ll experience it.
If you didn’t know my dead son, Ethan, turned 5 in April of 2025.
For us in the United States, that means he would’ve started Kindergarten fall of 2025.
As a living child, that’s an exciting milestone for a child to reach. They are halfway to 10. And they get to start school like their older siblings (if they have any).
Trying to comprehend that it’s been 5 years is wild. Because, someday’s it feels like yesterday. Then other days I see the size of my family and can clearly tell it’s been longer. I also have 2 other kids now.
To say that I’m not sad is an understatement, because I am. Any right minded person would feel sad that their son who was supposed to turn 5, didn’t.
A lot of friends shared photos on Instagram and Facebook with their kids going back to school. I of course feel happy, and yet sad at the same time. Happy that they are sharing their kids growing and thriving, and then sad that one of mine won’t be joining the bunch.
Most everyday I think about him. Imagining what it would be like to having 4 kids running around. And of course I wonder if Ethan had lived, would we have had another baby after him?
I was really missing my son shortly after school had started, and I asked chatgpt to create an image of what Ethan would look like now. However, because my child died, it said it wouldn’t generate a photo, and instead created a keepsake from one of my photos of him.
If I were to offer advice to someone who just found out their baby died, it would be:
Grieve.
Love Deeply.
Survive.
Time unfortunately won’t make the pain go away. The good news is the pain you’re experiencing now won’t be as often or as hard in the future.
I still get hit with waves of grief and know I probably will until I die.
The other thing I could suggest is finding someone you can talk to about your child that died. A friend or another loss parent, or a community where you can talk openly without someone else being/acting uncomfortable or judging you.
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P.P.S. Read Ethan’s story here.
P.P.P.S. Be sure to check out my shop on my site!
